piece by piece

No one knew what I was going through. I couldn't tell anyone about it. I had bragged so much about our relationship to my friends that I was embarrased to tell them now what happened. I couldn't tell them that the person I held closest to my heart was gone, without a word. For the first few days I waited for any message from you; days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. I lost count of how many times I opened my email box in hopes of any message from you. But it never came. I didn't dare to send any message. The fault was mine too. I overstepped my boundaries. I was ready to break you but in the very last second I changed my mind. And I left. I couldn't stay, seeing you walking on the same road again which had just left you hurt few months ago. The most hurting part was that you didn't bother to stop me. My friends kept asking me what happened, why I'm pushing them away, why this why that. But I had no answer for them. No one could understand anyway. The loneliness was excruciating but I lived through it. I started to keep myself busy watching tv shows and movies, going out and doing photography, playing games. They say time heals but they don't tell how painful the healing process is. After few months I activated my facebook and opened your facebook. You always told me how secretive we should keep our relationship (even though it was a brother sis relationship. But I agreed and never did anything that might have harmed you) I saw you liking his posts from your account, your original facebook account. That was the moment I felt truly alone. Atleast you had him but I....That was the moment I decided to block you from everywhere, never to contact you again. I felt angry, with you and with myself. A year passed but not a word got spoken between us. Days kept passing. I had joined my dad's school and that helped me divert my mind but there were still flashbacks. They say happy memories are a gift but I found them to be a curse. Whenever I remembered a happy memory between us, it hurt me. I stopped watching a tv show you loved. My cousin and brother started to watch a movie you liked but after few minutes my eyes got teary and I left the room making an excuse. I failed in coping with the sudden breakup of such a strong bond. In one of my previous posts I have mentioned how I always gave you a priority, over everyone. But you had made a choice and I had to live with it. After a year I told myself never to reply you now even if you send a message. I decided never to make such a close friend again. I stuck with the second decision but failed with the first one. After a year and half, one night I opened my mailbox and there was an email from you. I felt my heart pounding when I clicked to open it. You had written that the reason we stopped talking (the reason you had let me go) is no more. You had broken up with that person. I forgot all my anger or sadness and I replied as if nothing happened between us. After a day we talked over the phone and it was back to as if nothing ever happened between us. Such was the bond between us. God I had missed your presence so much. I never asked you why you never contacted me before? But later found out that it was him. His terms. I felt hurt but I didn't mention this. I forgot about the year and half I had spent alone. I broke my walls and accpeted you back in my life. We tried to make up for the time gone away. But then he was back yet again, asking you to stop talking with your friends, me. Back with his conditions. I couldn't understand the point. How could he ask you not to send your pic to someone you trusted and loved but on the other hand complete strangers could see you whenever you go to university or outside. I always considered you my little, so it was hurting if you had accepted any such terms. You kept asking me what to do and I tried to make you understand that love is about freedom and not terms and conditions. But one night I woke up to hear you telling me that you have accepted his terms. You said nothing else is going to change but little did you know how badly it affected me. I asked you that wasn't a year and half enough for him and you replied that "apparently not". What I meant to ask was that wasn't one and half year enough for you? For me? To just let me go away like that never to message again? And now this? I welcomed you back in my life with open arms and open heart. But then again you made a choice that was breaking me. I tried to leave but you didn't let me this time. So I stayed, even though it hurt me. I was a regular insta user but I had to uninstall it after you threw me out of your insta because he said so. "Because he wanted so". I felt worthless. I realised that sometimes no matter how much you care for someone or love them its never enough. Now whenever I remember posting my photos on insta it hurts me. Because I want to post there and I can't use it. Not without getting sad and shit. How can you accept something so ridiculous from a person who might not be in your life after a year? You replied "But what if he is?". Now I realize that yeah what if he is? And what if he puts another shitty demand like that again? What if you accept that demand? What if I still care this much for you? What if I still love you this much at that time? Will I be able to recover again? No. I can't afford another time like that ever again. No one including you truly realise that how I count you as my real family. You would never have accepted any such BS term if you did realise. But again, your happiness matters, like it mattered the last time I left. Therefore I am leaving again, this time never ever to come back in your life. You still have that person in your life so I'm right in thinking that you will be fine. M leaving might hurt you but I guess it will be okay in few days or weeks. These last few weeks I have remembered our first ever talks so much. Specially your first phone calls 5-6 years ago. I can't keep up with this anymore. I can't accept it anymore that my relationship with my sis is based upon someone else's terms. I just can't. And I hope that you forgive me without giving you a chance to say goodbye back to me. I have to leave like this because I know you will most probably won't let me do this and my heart will melt again. I am done blocking you from everywhere, don't have any strength left to do that again. Please don't message me anywhere in reply, I beg you. If you care for me, please don't. I know that you love me a lot and that you always wish good for me. Goodbye Bee.