Saad

I was told to expect fireworks, but my whole heart got set on fire. And it felt like, finally.

I miss you.

You know what hurts? When people specially your family have no idea what the fuck you went through and what the fuck you are going through. When they don't understand you even when you have tried to explain. When they think that you shouldn't take interest in something which they don't give a rat ass about. When you can't trust a single person between them to share the storm which is blowing inside you. When you did share something with some of them and they blew it right away, right on your face. When you wanted to die and you decided to live because of them but then they make you want to just end it all. All of this..hurts.

Sometimes the people you love so much do something so selfish that it leaves you shattered right to your soul. Sometimes people make you question your worth. And sometimes, even after years, whenever you remember what happened, you can feel the pieces they left broken.

No one knew what I was going through. I couldn't tell anyone about it. I had bragged so much about our relationship to my friends that I was embarrased to tell them now what happened. I couldn't tell them that the person I held closest to my heart was gone, without a word. For the first few days I waited for any message from you; days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. I lost count of how many times I opened my email box in hopes of any message from you. But it never came. I didn't dare to send any message. The fault was mine too. I overstepped my boundaries. I was ready to break you but in the very last second I changed my mind. And I left. I couldn't stay, seeing you walking on the same road again which had just left you hurt few months ago. The most hurting part was that you didn't bother to stop me. My friends kept asking me what happened, why I'm pushing them away, why this why that. But I had no answer for them. No one could understand anyway

Sometimes you mentally prepare yourself for things. You tell yourself to not feel hurt, to not overthink, to not get sad, to be okay with it, to take it all in. But then when it happens, all your preparation turns to shit. You feel your heart sink, your stomach crushed and your mind jammed. Turns out there are things you can't help but feel deep and hurt deep.

What makes a brother-sister relationship special is the way each one remember the other when they are apart. They miss the talks, the laughs in the time they spent together. Life changes, memories don't.