The trouble with loneliness is, it tells us that something's missing, but it doesn't tell us what the missing part is..
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It hurts when you call someone you thought who cares for you, and instead you hear a stranger voice coming from the other end. And with your cell phone in your hands, you are left wondering, 'what did I do?'.. Or maybe you really did something and you simply have no idea about it. The most hurting part is when you ask yourself, 'Have I made a same mistake again? Did l let myself get attached to someone again, only to be pushed back? Or maybe it was I who pushed them away?'.. Then you start cursing yourself. All the memories of the past come back rushing in and you have no idea how to get out of their hold. Damn it, You hate yourself! And in the end you decide not to get attached to someone no matter what. Never again.
Life is bad. It's just a bunch of aches and pains. When ever there is some good/happiness, it's inevitable that it is going to end. I've resolved myself. I'm not going to expect anything but the worst because it's inevitable. Why be caught by suprise by something you know isn't going to last? Don't be a fool, even if it does get better always know it will come to an end.
just me and my thoughts, my private struggle. I don't want much, just to be free from this darkness, this pain, this fear. I wish people didn't judge, I'm not 'weak'! I can't just 'pull myself together!' I wish it were that easy. I wish they understood, I wish I didn't have to pretend, I wish I didn't have to hide, I wish I wasn't me!
They say something has changed. They say I've changed. They tell me somewhere I turned cold, that I used to be so affectionate. They tell me I used to be cheerful but now my eyes and tone of my voice lost its light and admits fear. Unsure whether it's because of the painful memory but I go on by emptying my heart. Lucid hearts are defective products of this world. That's why I badly want to taint mine. Atrocious. Love is atrocious. Humans are atrocious! Love only pains as you learn about it. More you know, worse you become. The words I wouldn't normally get riled up about: "You don't seem yourself". I question, "What is me?", but of course I know only too well. I can't bear to look at myself. Whether I've been embraced or have closed my eyes, I just can't sleep at ease. I lie customarily and harass in the name of 'Love'. Only thing that's worse than you is, I, who couldn't forget you and ended up being tainted. I, who ...
Things hurt…there’s no doubt about it. And saying 'things will get better' doesn’t help. Why doesn’t someone sit down and actually realize the fact that as of right now, the world is falling apart. Tomorrow you can tell me how things will be better…..just let me feel the pain right now………it makes me feel alive!!!
Its like a cartoon cloud is hovering over my head, a private torrential downpour. I see myself soaking wet, my entire being drooping, and I'm always sick because I can't stay dry. Depressed by the bad weather, I cry myself a little river, but the tears evaporate and form into another cloud that rains on me even more. I can't win...
Sometimes you need to be alone. Sometimes you just don’t want to be comforted because you need the chance to take it in. All that has been, all the pain left behind. The best cure is time, time to pull yourself together again, and time to see that all you ever wanted is now nothing but a fading memory. Time to let it go and time to start again...
I let my walls down and showed you the other side of me. The side that many people have never seen. You took me for granted, and when you got what you wanted you stopped talking to me. Cut me off from your world and left me to question what was going on in your life. I pretend I don’t care about you anymore, I pretend I don’t think about you anymore. But I do. All. The. Time. The worst thing is, I don’t even think I’ve crossed your mind at all. I’ve been replaced, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Sometimes you need to be alone. Sometimes you just don’t want to be comforted because you need the chance to take it in. All that has been, all the pain left behind. The best cure is time, time to pull yourself together again, and time to see that all you ever wanted is now nothing but a fading memory. Time to let it go and time to start again...
Have you ever been angry or sad, to the point where you just break down at home, in your room? Your parents don’t know because you keep the tears to yourself, and you cry silently. Your friends don’t know because you talk as if you’re fine and dandy behind the computer screen. Well you’re not fine and dandy, and you know it. No one really knows how you feel, and they have their own lives to deal with, so you don’t bother telling them, you bottle it up, and store it with the other problems or troubles.
Sometimes, people really do feel like they don’t want to exist, like they want to curl up in a ball and hide from everyone else. They feel like life is caving in on them and they want to just go somewhere else and not feel anything at all. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. And if you don’t know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does.
What’s worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should’ve healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That’s what we like to think. But that’s not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.
"There are many assholes and bitches in this world but there are just as many beautiful souls. It is a long tedious, heartbreaking process but there is someone for everyone in this world. Don’t let valentines get you down if you are single. Take yourself on a date because learning to love ourselves is the key to happiness."
"There’s a reason I’ve always said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ‘cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love, and then you don’t have it? What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it, and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? This can go on forever."
helping others?
Sometimes I wish I could take my own advice. It's always easier to help others than it is to help ones self. "Okay listen. I'm going to tell u something u already know. But u know me, I'm gonna say it anyway ;) whatever happened, its in the past now. It doesn't need to be linked to ur present or ur future. U r not a new person. U r still the one who made those mistakes; we all do. Hell they weren't even mistakes at that time. So with being that same person, u have to move on. You won't be forgetting those times no matter how hard u try. There will always be moments in life when u will be getting flashbacks of the past. But the important thing is, it shouldn't affect u. No need to block those thoughts. Just let them flow in, but hold ur ground. Don't let yourself flow with em :)"
feeling..
U know that feeling when there is no one around you and you just want to hug yourself?...... That's how I'm feeling now.
what's wrong :s
I don't know why lately I'm feeling so sleepy all the time. Can't read, can't use PC. If I do, it starts putting strain on my eyes. And that's forcing me to sleep at 9pm :(
Nothing seems to matter..
sitting in a total empty library, listening to Jason Walker's 'Down'.. I wish I could sit here forever.. At times like these, nothing seems to matter, not even life. Lately I'm thinking of 'exiting' from this world so much. I wish I could. Its definitely not about the fear of death. Fear of death is long gone. How can you be fearful of dying when you have lost all your interest in life? Is it all about courage? Or is it about you being caring to your loved ones? You know it that doing this will cause pain to them. Apart from two people, everyone will be thinking 'why?'.. Clueless..
Eating while frustrated/tensed
I have developed a thing I am not liking :/ and that is, when I'm tensed, I eat too much. It was not like that before. I mean I tended to not eat due to no hunger whenever I was tensed or frustrated. But now its totally opposite!!! Huff..
Don't come back once you leave, please.
Today is once again, a depressing one. Again thinking about my existence in this world, thinking about what I have, and what I don't. And the latter is more magnified in my mind. Wrong, I know. Coming back to existence, still have no idea. I am not even doing any significant work, and what I AM doing, is not going in the right way. I know I need to put my thoughts in order but I am not able to do that. How can I when everyone I care about keep messing up? 2 days back, someone I brought someone so close to my heart messed up. The place where that person stayed is vacant now, and I will make it sure that its permanently locked down. That person is not going to come back there again. See that's the problem. Whenever someone tries to make themselves a place in my heart, I just make it up for them without thinking about it, no questions asked. Same happened again. I guess that's where the rules come in. If anyone again decides to walk out from there occupied place in my heart, t...
they say there is a reason..
"They say there is a reason, They say that time will heal, But neither time nor reason, Will change the way I feel, For no-one knows the heartache, That lies behind my smiles, No-one knows how many times, I have broken down and cried I want to tell you something, So there won't be any doubt, You're so wonderful to think of, But so hard to be without."
how will they know :s
sometimes I wonder that, if I suddenly die, how will most of my friends come to know about it :s I haven't met them.. And, if my facebook is also supposedly de-activated at that moment, I guess they will never know then :s anyways, me going to sleep now, if you don't see anymore posts after this one till next day, know that I am no more ;) no I'm serious :s
If I die today
Going back to uni tomorrow.. Have 3 hours of sleep left. And it just came to my mind that, if I die, okay let's suppose that the van meets an accident, and I remain no more ;) than a lot of people will be regretting the way they talked to me last time. Close friends, family, people.
if only
There always someone getting in the way, blocking my way. It sure isn't me. And then there are always these two words sounding in my head, 'if only'. Now how to stop myself. I tried. I did. But that went only for a day and a half. I don't know if I have that in me anymore or not.
I though I could fly, so why did I drown?
I'm sad :( why do I always reach such place? Why do I try when I know I'm gonna fall down?! I'm pathetic, I know.
My mind is exploding with so many things and all I want is for it to stop. I want something like a light switch, something to turn my brain off. I'm so tired. I go to sleep late every night. I am afraid to sleep. Actually, I am afraid to dream. I hate dreaming. I hate those dreams where things happen that are so great and so lovely and it feels so real and you're so happy. I hate them because they are the worst thing in the world to wake from. There are certain dreams I've had that have completely ruined my life. Nothing good comes out of dreaming because dreams always end.
People destroy your trust. They always let you down. Then they leave. You can never completely know anyone, no matter how well you think you do. There will always be parts of their lives they leave out. There will always be some truth about them you don't ever get to know. Or maybe one day you'll find out their truth. And you'll wish you never had. Just once, I wish I could know what it feels like to trust someone completely and not have them disappoint me.
"If you are going to love me, love me deeply. If you break my heart, then break it all. If you are going to care, care for me completely. If you decide not to hold me, then just let me fall. If you are going to stay, then stay forever. And if you want to leave, then do it today. If you are going to change, change for the better. And if you are going to talk, then please mean what you say."
"I’m starting to realize that ‘forever’ is just another one of those fairy tales that mothers tell their children to help them sleep at night. Nothing is forever. Life isn’t, happiness isn’t, love isn’t. Things end and people say goodbye and we have no choice in the matter. All we can do is sit and watch our lives ending one minute at a time."
Untitled
I'm going to miss all of you, every single one of you. I often read that "loneliness kills people". Guess I have to test this statement, practically. It's time to isolate myself from everyone. It's time that I learn to keep my feelings to myself, even hiding it from my blogs. It would be hard I know. I am going to break down every single day, there will be tears involved. I feel like throwing my heart out of my chest right now. Hope I survive this path I'm choosing for myself, by myself. Hebe, Lolo, Coco, Cangel, Baploo, Lil
